Episode 15 – Grieving the Loss of a Pet with Dr. Melissa Miller

Losing a pet is one of life’s most profound heartbreaks. In this episode, Dr. Melissa Miller, a Medical Oncologist for Partner’s Richmond Hospital and a Pet-Loss Grief Support Specialist, opens up about her own journey into grief counseling and walks us through the very real emotions pet owners navigate when saying goodbye to a beloved companion. She helps us understand why honoring our grief is crucial for healing and shares compassionate, practical guidance for moving through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

Whether you’re currently grieving a cherished pet or simply want to better understand the grief process that touches most pet owners’ lives, Dr. Miller’s insights offer both comfort and hope.

What You’ll Learn?

The importance of giving yourself grace when grieving a pet
Unique and creative ways to honor and remember a lost pet
How to reframe the tragic or sudden loss of a pet with positive memories
Organizations that can help pet owners struggling with the grieving process
Tips on helping surviving pets mourn the loss of their companion
Is there a “right” time to welcome another pet into your life?

[Music]

Narrator:

Host: Welcome back to “Did You Know?”—the podcast by Partner Veterinary. In this series, we dive into everything veterinary medicine, and everything Partner. Every episode, we tackle some of the most common questions we hear, from HR topics to emergencies and everything in between. If it happens at Partner, we’ll talk about it.

Did you know that losing a pet can trigger grief as deep and complex as losing a family member? In this episode, Dr. Melissa Miller, medical oncologist at our Richmond location and certified pet loss grief specialist, joins us to talk openly about the heartbreak of saying goodbye to a beloved pet. She shares her personal journey into grief counseling and offers real, compassionate advice for anyone struggling with loss. Dr. Miller explains why honoring your grief matters, and gives practical tips for remembering your pet, supporting surviving animals, and deciding when—or if—you’re ready for a new companion. Whether you’re grieving now or just want to understand what pet owners go through, this episode brings comfort, hope, and real answers.

Dr. Melissa Miller:

My name is Dr. Melissa Miller. I’m a veterinary oncologist by day, and also a certified pet grief counselor. My journey with pet grief actually started with my own cancer dog several years ago. At that time, I was lucky enough to have a strong support system among my colleagues when my pet passed. But it quickly became clear to me that pet grief is not something that’s widely recognized. Over the years, it’s become a bit more acknowledged, but we’re still not where we need to be. That realization became part of my calling as an oncologist. Every day, I deal with anticipatory grief—and, of course, the grief that comes when pets pass away. Every veterinarian faces this, but it’s especially prominent with end-stage patients. That’s what inspired me to pay it forward and become a grief counselor, so I could offer this service not only to my clients, but to other families in the area.

Jen Mellace:

Thank you so much for joining us, Dr. Miller. This is such an important topic, and people just don’t talk about it enough. It’s such a hard thing to go through, and it’s hard to prepare for. How did you become a pet loss grief support specialist? How does someone get into that field?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

There are several recognized programs out there. I did some research online to find one that was more specific to veterinary professionals. Over the years, I’ve also met grief counselors from the human side who’ve lost pets themselves—or had friends and family who did—and wanted to be more present in the pet world. There are programs geared specifically toward technicians, assistants, and other veterinary professionals, too. I get asked all the time by veterinary teams if there’s a way for them to be more supportive and go through some type of certification themselves.

Jen Mellace:

The job that you, the vet techs, and the vet assistants do is huge—being there for owners when they go through this type of loss. Why is it so important for us to discuss pet loss and the grieving process?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

Losing a pet can sometimes be even harder than losing a human family member or friend, and that’s a part of grief that isn’t often recognized. It’s a different type of grieving process. Pets can mean something entirely unique to families. Over the years, I’ve heard every scenario—maybe a pet was the first “child” for a family starting out, or perhaps that pet is the last connection to a loved one who has passed, or the animal got someone through a really tough time. That’s a different kind of bond. Recognizing that is a different process than what we go through for a human friend or family member. With pets, it’s a lot of unspoken love. The grieving process is different, and working through those emotions can be tough. That’s why guiding families through it is so important. We don’t get a lot of people-skills training in veterinary school; by default, it’s a people business, but it’s not something we’re specifically trained for. We do our best, but many of us reach a point where we don’t know where to go from there. Human counselors and other grief support exist, but it’s not always the same as going to a group that understands pet loss.

Jen Mellace:

What are some ways you help families with that process? Are there certain tips you offer to help them through grief?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

It really depends on the person and how the loss happened. Some people benefit from one-on-one counseling and just talking about their pet. Sometimes, just discussing it in the moment—even if the loss hasn’t happened yet—helps families plan for how they’ll feel. Others find it helpful to share stories with others going through similar experiences. I run a monthly grief support group through a local organization in Richmond, and it’s wonderful to see the bonds that form as people share their stories. There’s no one-size-fits-all plan for these groups—it’s often about sharing what’s worked for them, and people finding their own style for processing, whether it’s through social media, journaling, or other outlets. It’s a very personal experience.

Jen Mellace:

That leads nicely into my next question. What are some ways you suggest people remember their pets?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

Journaling is a big one. It helped me when I lost my own pet—I actually wrote letters to him in the beginning, as if he was still there. It made me feel like he was still a presence and I could still share my day. It helped make the emptiness feel less empty. Many people create photo albums, memorials, or even a small shrine with personal items so they have a set place to remember their pet. Pet portraits have become very popular, too—whether painting or other art, it’s a creative outlet that can help process grief. Some families craft with items that belonged to their pet, making something special as a way to remember them. Crafting can relieve stress and help healing, so doing it in conjunction with loss can be helpful.

Jen Mellace:

I know I take so many pictures and videos of my pets. My kids—who are now in their twenties—joke that I take more pictures of the pets than of them. But over the years, I’ve lost several dogs, and I truly treasure those photos and videos. For people who’ve lost a pet suddenly or tragically, it can be really hard to get those images or events out of their minds. Do you have any tips for reframing those memories into something more positive?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

That’s one of the toughest parts of the grieving process. Many families tell me they feel stuck in that moment, mentally replaying it over and over. It fades with time, but the immediate trauma can be hard to reframe. As painful as it can be, I encourage people to sit with it, because trying to suppress those memories can make it worse. You have to work through it to eventually accept it. Finding the good in the moment takes time—everyone grieves on their own timeline. Sometimes you have to replay it a few times and look at it from different perspectives. I encourage people to try to see it from the perspective of the veterinary team that helped, or from someone else’s point of view. We can lose sight of the fact that others around us are also part of the grieving process. Reframing is something I work on a lot with support groups; people share how they’ve worked through similar situations, and that “pay it forward” effect helps others let go of the negative and focus on the love and care their pet received.

Jen Mellace:

You mentioned the team that helps the pet and the loss they experience. You all see this every day, especially in oncology and emergency care. How do you recommend team members deal with their own grief from helping pets and families through loss?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

I encourage team members to give themselves grace—the same advice I give to families. It’s extremely challenging, especially with long-term or critical care patients. We build bonds with the families, not just the pets, and losing that connection can be the hardest part for the team. Reframing that daily routine can be tough. Giving yourself grace is important, and expressing when you’re having a hard time is okay. It’s fine to sit with your grief as a caregiver, to cry with the family, or to take a break when you need it. I remember after I lost my dog, I couldn’t be the one to help a family say goodbye to their pet because of my own grief, and I was honest with them. People are often more understanding than we expect. We have to be honest with ourselves, too. There’s a professional quality of life assessment I take monthly, geared toward burnout and compassion fatigue—issues that come up with chronic grief and frequent loss. It helps you gauge where you are mentally and emotionally, so you know when to take a break or talk to someone. I’ve had team members attend grief groups even if they haven’t lost their own pet, just to feel the support and hear stories from families.

Jen Mellace:

Are there organizations people can turn to when they’ve lost a pet? What are some of those resources?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

There are a number of options, depending on your region. In the Richmond area, and extending into Virginia, Maryland, and DC, Pete offers pet loss groups both on Zoom and in person. Many pet aftercare facilities have resources on their websites or in pamphlets—local groups they partner with or online resources. There are actually a lot of Facebook and Instagram groups where grief counselors post, and some are just spaces to share memorials. I encourage families to reach out to their primary care vet or a specialist for recommendations, because we often have resources to share or know colleagues who do. Whether you want personal counseling or just a group to share with, there’s something out there. There are even Facebook pages where families can post memorials, almost like an online candlelight vigil. It can be anonymous, which helps people feel comfortable sharing, especially in the early stages of grief. It’s important to remember that losing a pet is a huge loss—your body feels that stress and emptiness, just as it would after a traumatic event. If getting up and brushing your teeth is all you manage one day, that’s okay. Every day is a new challenge, and your body needs time to learn how to live in this new normal. The pet will never be completely gone, but adjusting to their physical absence is mentally tough.

Jen Mellace:

Absolutely. Pets have such a calming presence and offer unconditional love. The silence that follows their loss can be incredibly hard, even with other pets in the home—there’s still that void. On our website, we have some support groups and links to resources, and I’ll share those at the bottom of this episode for anyone looking for them.

Speaking of other pets—if there are surviving pets in the home, how do they mourn? For people who have existing pets, what should they look for, and how can they support their animals who are also grieving?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

It depends on the pets and their relationships. If pets are bonded—siblings, or animals who grew up together—they can’t talk to us, but their behavior changes. Some families notice the remaining pet struggles after a loss, especially those with separation anxiety or a very close bond. I’m often asked if the other pet should be present for euthanasia, whether at home or in the clinic. It’s a personal decision, but I did include my own dogs when we lost one of ours, so they understood when he didn’t come home. Pets can act differently—some seem unfazed, while others really struggle. Cats, in particular, in multi-pet households, often look for the pet who’s gone. Some families place mirrors around so the remaining pet feels there’s someone else present. Leaving items that smell like the lost pet can also help. We don’t know exactly how pets grieve, but they definitely go through a process. Sometimes it’s trial and error to find what helps—a counseling session, daycare, or just extra support. It’s similar to how people benefit from support groups.

Jen Mellace:

What about bringing a new pet into the home? Is there a “right” time to do that after losing a pet?

Dr. Melissa Miller:

It’s very personal, and I always tell people to let their hearts guide them. I’ve seen families going through anticipatory grief bring a new pet in before their sick pet passes, to help with the transition. For some, that’s the perfect solution, especially if they want a new pet to bond with children or elderly family members. Other families swear they’ll never have another pet, but many change their minds over time. Personally, it took me almost a year before I was ready. When the time felt right, I met a new dog who reminded me of my lost pet in certain ways, and I just knew. That’s true for many families. Some people foster or volunteer during the transition period—they want to be around animals, but aren’t ready to fully commit yet. Often, that helps with healing and breaking the routine of caregiving. Whether it’s walking a neighbor’s dog, volunteering at a shelter, or fostering, it’s not about replacing your lost pet, but about finding a new routine and comfort.

Jen Mellace:

Dr. Miller, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us today. This is such an important topic for so many people who love their pets, and we really appreciate your insight.

Dr. Melissa Miller:

You’re very welcome.

Narrator:

“Thank you for listening to ‘Did You Know?’ Is there something about Partner that you want to know? Email us at [email protected]. Who knows? We might turn your question into an entire episode! And you can now find us wherever you listen to all of your other favorite podcasts. Subscribe now!”